Bucket list




I've just read Asia's blog post about writing a bucket list.

Reading her is like drinking fruit juice in summer. 

And now, will I write my bucket list? There are reasons why I didn't until now...



If I wrote a list of desires without censoring myself, the first words would go like:

Making love with....

But then...how could I describe the dream woman (or women) I would love to make love with before I die?

If I tried, my bucket list would turn into a bucket book of poetry, a probably disturbing mix of irreconcilable styles. Maybe I should write it? Maybe not...

Now, there is something I am sure of: to make love with such a magical creature, I have to be her dream as well. These things must go both ways, otherwise the magic is wasted.

So, my bucket list, from the first words, has already become something like an heroic and absurd challenge: I have to become as great, as amazing, as perfect as the dream of an ideal woman or two. Body and soul.

I can still entertain some illusions about the possibility of improving my soul without limits however my body is 57 year old now and I feel a bit tired fighting myself to become someone else than who I believe to be.  57 is much older than what a dream woman might dream of... I may be wrong but I wouldn't bet on it.

I need to reincarnate to get a new body with a little bit more strength, mental health and wisdom than I had in this life, and also whiter teeth if possible, but now, on a bucket list you write only things that you want to live before reincarnating. So I've got to renounce to the first point on my list I'm afraid.

I'm not sure I really want anything else though.


In theory, all what my soul wants is to be reunited with the Great Spirit. Something like being immersed in so much love that all my bits and pieces sigh in relief. Body bits and soul pieces. No critics, no shame, no should-be-could-do-better-than-that, no disgust, no rejection, no Damocles sword hanging above my head, no pit of hell opening under my feet, just love and permission to be. Right to relax, let go, trust and float... or laugh.

I have suspicions that love dreams are actually the best way I know to imagine spiritual ecstasy, like in Solomon's song of songs. Something which, in pictures, look like magic femininity, in reality could happen between soul and Soul, Atman and Brahman, between this end of consciousness and Source...

However the body still wants to be touched, the eyes want to see eyes, the ears want to hear whispers and sighs, the lips etc... (It's always better when it's art. Don't get me started about reality.)

If there is a way to feel as much bliss as I can imagine when I imagine making love with an ideal woman in love...without a woman, why not?

That's just not something I would spontaneously write on my bucket list. Maybe I should.



I have lived fascinated by mirages, needy like a bottomless well. I was an orphan. I don't remember, my body does. My patterns do. I spent my life hoping for a miracle which looked like love. A love without bad smells. A love like a holy whore in love with blessings. 

I have learned to let the mirages burn my wings and find alternative reasons to smile. I've found a number of things that I could find really interesting. I have learned to enjoy and love on my own. I love walking free with a bag of gardening tools on my back, I love breathing fresh air under the sky, touching the earth on my hands and knees... I love sitting in a coffee shop with a croissant and a good book (or two). I love studying and writing. I love clowning with my new friends...


Sometimes my soul is still burning. I'm training cooling the flames. Finding ways to be anyway... I grew up like a sponge soaked in a bucket of rejection. I've spent my life saving what could be saved, the most precious being gone and not mourned enough...yet.  

 I've been growing new roots.

What could I write on my bucket list?


I want to stand up in front of crowds and make them laugh

I want to heal from the illusion of being mortal.

I want to free my soul from her emotional straitjacket and whatever happens will be OK...

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