Healing Shame

 When we explore dark feelings, we often find out that they are reactions to some underlying pain, which can be another dark feeling. 


Rage and anger are reactions. A moment of anger may be a boost of energy that helps break through an obstacle. If anger settles in the long term, that’s a sign that a feeling of powerlessness has probably grown roots in the psyche. We feel the anger. We don’t have enough energy to confront the problem (which may not even be clearly identified) but keeping the anger alive is not as bad as feeling like a complete loser in despair. Anger may even serve us as an illusion of power. Our deeper feeling of powerlessness can be suppressed. 


(Reconnecting with the dark goo at the bottom of our feeling pit is not an enjoyable experience, but healing is the purpose) 


We may feel powerless for various reasons. One may be that we haven’t been able to overcome some fears. Fear is paralysing. In its grip we are powerless. We may also avoid feeling the fear, because it’s scary, and take refuge in powerlessness instead, and from there, wrap it up in anger. 



Elisabeth Kubler Ross said:

 

“There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt.”


My view - as far as you can see in the dark - is that, at the bottom of the dark feelings pit, mixed with fear but distinct from it, is shame.


Love wants to be there, in the presence of shame, and say, kindly, very kindly: 


“It’s ok. It’s normal. It’s human. It’s part of the difficult challenges we have to deal with. It’s very rare to succeed instantaneously when confronted with very difficult challenges. It’s normal to fail many times. It’s normal to need proper training. It’s normal to struggle when there is so much to cope with...” 


And also: “You know, at the core of every personality, there is consciousness. Consciousness is universal. Nobody is better than anybody else, because there is only one consciousness. Who could be better than whom? 

Consciousness is living many stories. The conditions are different in every case. At surface level, one may appear more courageous, another more talented or whatever, but only temporary conditions make a difference. They will pass. At the core is the same consciousness, equally worthy throughout life. Judgements are not valid.” 


Love talks to fear and shame in solitude. Shame can only accept to meet consciousness in the most private setting. Sometimes people are humiliated in public and if they are lucky in the middle of this trial, another person may bring them words of comfort. But most of the time shame knows how to hide; nobody other than the thread of consciousness that inhabits the same body can meet it.



And then, coming back to ordinary life, where there are plenty of unhealed egos shouting, whispering or suggesting: “Shame on you”


Shame for being a coward. Shame for being lazy. Shame for the clothes you’re wearing. Shame for being a loser. Shame for being bad. Shame for your desires. Shame for being wrong. Shame for what you like. Shame for what you look like. Shame for not knowing. Shame for your body. Shame for being so sensitive. Shame for your weaknesses, whatever they are. Shame for whatever makes you different… 




Don’t believe them. They know nothing, and they don’t even know they don’t. That’s just their coping mechanisms. It is a huge illusion. It’s a disease. Life is not like that. With so much shame diffused in the collective psyche, we can’t be together. That’s what being kicked out of paradise means. 


Let’s heal! 




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