Healing Fear

To heal fear, I suggest starting with healing the shame we may feel for being fearful. 






Feeling fear and shame is too much. We should tackle only one at a time! 





Without shame, confronting our fears will be much easier. We may need to approach the scary stuff one little step at a time. We may need a lot of time. We’ll be able to make progress very slowly without feeling horrible about ourselves. We won’t try to bully ourselves into throwing ourselves at the deep end and fail for not being prepared enough. We’ll be kind to ourselves. We may even laugh!  






It’s true that in some cases, all that's needed is to muster some courage, push ourselves and move forward. Sometimes, the fear is not so deep, so immense and so intense that it can’t be overcome this way. Sometimes, what we have to confront is not that unknown, we are not that unprepared, we had opportunities to build up our confidence before… We can push forward and win! 





However, in other cases, let’s be humble, it’s just too much and we should respect that. Let’s look at it with kindness. 





Fear does exist, it’s really a difficult thing; humans don’t overcome really difficult things overnight in general. It’s OK to feel fear, and it’s OK if it’s a real struggle. It’s life.  





Nature has not made us all the same. Some people are tall, others are small. Some people are quick, others are slow. Those who are slow may have other qualities. Some people are well organised, others are messy. Those who are messy might be more intuitive and creative than those who are logical and rational. Whatever personality trait we may think of, some people will score higher and others lower. Diversity is nature’s rule. 





If nature wants some people taller than others, the short ones have nothing to be ashamed of. 





Those who struggle more than others to overcome their fears have nothing to be ashamed of either.  





Some people are highly sensitive. It’s a personality trait, Dr Elaine Aron has found that about 20 percent of the human population has it. It’s more difficult to confront fears when we are hypersensitive. There is more at stake, obviously. 





Many people suffer from some kind of trauma. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a label, but in reality, there is, as usual, a spectrum; more people suffer from it than are diagnosed. If we’re struggling, we should take it as a fact, no more no less. Whatever we have been through left marks. That’s life. 





Take the most courageous and strongest person in the world. Ask a crazy Doctor to give them injections to disturb their biochemistry. Observe how the strong and courageous one can be turned into a terrified emotional wreck. Do this experiment only in imagination please. If life has treated you like this crazy Doctor, I am sorry you’re going through this. Now, to reconquer your health and balance, be kind with yourself. 






Shame has been used as a weapon. Calling someone a “coward” is amongst the most scathing insults, especially for men. This has nothing to do with a detached and objective appreciation of reality. It’s a whip. 

Throughout human history, there have been wars. Men have tied up their identity with courage. To be a “real man” does not feel granted. It has to be proved. 





Nature has another take: if you have what it takes to fecundate a female, you’re male. But layers of psychological violence have been added onto the basic facts of our bodies. 




Going to war, a soldier amongst many, you may feel tempted to walk the other way. Behind the lines, there may be an anti-retreat force. They will shoot whoever tries to escape the battlefield. Shaming fear is the psychological equivalent of that. It’s violence.  




I’m not saying that women won’t suffer from heavy social disapproval if they give in to their fears. Feminine fear is more socially accepted though. Traditional gender roles are not that easily wiped away from our psyches. I am not sure we should bin them altogether, but we should align them a little bit more with reality, in a non violent way. 




Reality is that we are all, women and men, vulnerable, sensitive to varying degrees, more or less resilient, often suffering from the consequences of traumas, and that we keep inflicting ourselves cruel wounds by comparing ourselves with ruthless ideals.

 

How could we heal? Let’s contemplate that it’s an ego trap. The pain of not being good enough keeps our attention centred in our burning ego. Fuck these lies! Humility is the alternative to humiliation. It’s the tunnel through which we can crawl out of hell. Our reality is life’s reality. If we forget to care about not being as good as a fantasy hero, we can rest. 




When we rest, after a while, we can remember whatever or whoever we love. It doesn’t have to be ourselves. Life is enough, we’re part of it. 

If we love, courage, the quality of the heart (cor in Latin), may happen,  when needed, without us even noticing. With the help of the Great Spirit. And if we’re not there yet, it’s OK. 

Jean-Marc

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